Curse

SOT · Jan 07, 2006, 03:53 PM // 15:53

I wrote this right now, into the box. I wrote it because well, I stated to go to bed earlier, and my phone rang. It was the kinda call you never wish to receive. The life changing kind. Anyway, my insomina caused by frantic mental disease from what transpired over the phone made me wanna write, so I will share my poem with you guys, on the fly...

I've spent the better part of the past weeks of my life,
learning that the void can be filled.
I have watched the sun rise and set with a "her",
and I have learned to feel again.

Last night was another endcap to times spent living.
I was happy.
I felt that tomorrow was no longer an escaped convict,
lurking in my basement waiting for me to sleep.

I sat here after we parted for the night,
thinking about all that has come before.
I marvel at how life is so random.
Tis a dogma, if my site bio is read at all.

She turns me into who I wish to be.
She makes me think about what it all means.
I rise in the day and she greets me in my head.
I lower in the night and she kisses me farewell.

Yes she is the beauty in my existence.

Then..the phone rang...

At four am the world went on hold.
The music jingle on the line was "hurt" by NIN.
The owls outside suffocated their hoots.
My blood ran cold and the mind of a man nearly broke.
mine.

When someone in your life dies,
your entire reality is different.
You see things, smell things,
embrace things which remind you.
The aroma of my mother's hands,
smelling like gingersnaps on christmas morning.
The breath of her when I was young, and had the flu.
The laughing. The crying.
My mother had wisdom I've never seen twice.
She was a voice of reason in my unreasoning young brain.

She's been gone for nearly a year now.
This has been my reality.
I was a mother's boy, doted on and taken care of.
I was her only child.
She was my hero.
Without her guidance, I have somehow managed to make it.
My music is a tapestry of my rawness inside,
a picture of domgatic refusal to lay down and die.

For nearly a year,
I have faced all I have become without her presence.
For nearly a year, I have moved onward.
For nearly a year, I tried to get passed her parting.

Some people get a funeral announcement.
When someone close to them dies, they are told the news.
They are held close by those that love them.
They are carried when they cannot carry themselves.

Nearly a year ago, almost to the day,
I was told the news: that momma was no more.
I did not cry, and never have, because I do not know how to.
My gut clenched.
My mind formatted its drive.
I felt nothing but an immense ocean of aloneness.
No one ever cared for me as my mother.
No one ever loved and respected me as she.
Then she wasn't there.
A hole opened up.
I had been out here, on my own, living hard, loving harder,
without her in my life proper.
We had kept in touch.
now it was a bad joke.

I never got a funeral notice.
I never got to say goodbye.
I got a "we thought youd handle it better after" message,
on an answering machine at a friend's home.
This was my mothers life, passed.
This, her reward for all her sacrifice and caring.
A RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GOing casette in some drunks house.
A waste.
Disease!

Fast forward past all that shit.
It is the now,
where we are, and wont be after.
The phone has rung.
I answer it.......

You see, when my mother died...
I wasn't THERE.
My family sent me paperwork about her estate.
My family sent me boxes of shit of hers.

When the phone rang, my mother was on the line..........

I feel betrayal like I have never known, and I have absolutely no idea what to do with this situation. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

The past near year of my life has been spent getting PAST my mothers death...and now....now they do this to me....

I have nothing further to say...except...this is perhaps the most personal internet post you will ever see from me....

Take care. I'm...not sure if I can anymore.....

LeftAlone- · Jan 07, 2006, 04:03 PM // 16:03

Holy hell.
Thats all I have to say.
Sheesh.

Keep it together man.
*hug*

Sir Krohan · Jan 07, 2006, 04:55 PM // 16:55

Wow this almost makes me cry =\
Take care..

chris_nin00 · Jan 07, 2006, 05:31 PM // 17:31

SOT,
The same thing happened to my Mom on my 10th birthday.
My Mom's Mother had died from cancer.
All my Mom could say why she wasn't there when she died...
My Dad got the phonecall but didn't tell my Mom yet because it was my birthday,
He didn't want to ruin my day of happiness
But instead he took her to the church and prayed.
Then he broke the news.
She cried throughout the whole year,
It made me want to cry watching her cry
Take care SOT

^Most personal stuff you'll get from me

Mister Overhill · Jan 07, 2006, 08:42 PM // 20:42

My dad used to kiss me on the cheek whenever he said goodbye, whether he was on his way to work, or I was going somewhere. As I got older, that used to embarrass me, but I didn't say anything.
I was home on leave from the army in March, 1967, and when my parents took me to the airport to see me off, I told Dad not to kiss me goodbye, just shake my hand. He did, but Mom told me later that he thought I was mad at him.
I didn't know at the time that it would be our last goodbye -- he dropped dead on the job four months later of a massive heart attack.
That was a long time ago, and it still bothers me.

We're with you, SOT.

Naprius · Jan 07, 2006, 11:28 PM // 23:28

damn...

i think i would go seriously insane without my mother in the stage of life i am in now.
not to mention dangerously depressed.

respect for keeping it (sort of) together SOT

and don't let em mess with you

Omega_2005 · Jan 08, 2006, 12:03 AM // 00:03

Man that sucks, my dad died over a year ago for unknown reasons (basically self-torture-to-death whilst not eating is one of them) and I haven't had some good sleeps because of that, but I keep it in and if anything else bad happens I'll say it here for you

My brother's had cancer, but the problem is he could die or it can come back, risking his life more or he can get the all-clear, so... *sigh* I'm still not going to get through this if the worst happens...

so SOT, keep it together and hopefully, you'll become better and my brother will get the All-clear too...

I pwnd U · Jan 08, 2006, 12:41 AM // 00:41

SOT im sorry for your pain man. i dont understand the pain you are going through and i hope not to have to for a lil longer. i cant fathom the pain you must be in. my thougts and prayers are w/ u SOT.

Storm Crow · Jan 08, 2006, 02:37 AM // 02:37

All things come out happy in the end, if it's not happy, it's not over.

^random quote I came across somewhere...pray these words are true

PieXags · Jan 08, 2006, 02:59 AM // 02:59

Hmm...

You know, I really feel dumb right now. But I've got to be honest, I'm not entirely sure...what's going on...or...what I should be thinking...went on. Ah...damn. I'm confused, that's confusing.

Don't really know all that's going on or what that was...about, but I did recognize the mother bit. And I don't want to live through the day I lose my mother.

SOT · Jan 08, 2006, 05:46 AM // 05:46

None of you realize what happened. They LIED to me. She isnt RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GOing dead. It was a lie.

Guillaume De Sonoma · Jan 08, 2006, 05:49 AM // 05:49

I do feel sorry for you about this. I couldn't imagine anyone having the gaul to tell me my mom is dead and lie about it. Sorry.

PieXags · Jan 08, 2006, 08:56 AM // 08:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by PieXags

Hmm...

You know, I really feel dumb right now. But I've got to be honest, I'm not entirely sure...what's going on...or...what I should be thinking...went on. Ah...damn. I'm confused, that's confusing.

Don't really know all that's going on or what that was...about, but I did recognize the mother bit. And I don't want to live through the day I lose my mother.

That's what I thought had happened, but I wasn't about to assume something when I might have interpreted it wrong. I've met some weird people who say some weird things at weird times so I wanted to make sure.

I know what you're talking about, SOT. The best friend I've ever had had what may as well have been the same thing happen to him not two years ago. The guy lives in the UK and was told his mother'd died when he was 15, same deal and information as yourself. He went to a bar in when he was 19, and met his mother there four years after he'd been grieving over her death. He signed on the next day and uh...well he wasn't so well off, he'd obviously been drinking himself passed his limit, wasn't making a damn bit of sense and he was in just about the worst shape I've ever seen anyone. Christ he'd nearly killed himself over it, I wanted to die just 'cause I was there looking at him in that state. I don't understand it, as much as it might surprise you this isn't the first time I've known someone to experience something like that and it baffles me still. Who the hell, what sort of existance I mean to say...could have anything to do with that, to pull something like that on someone else just trying to live through this shitty reality we've made for ourselves.

It's not just telling someone their mother's alive, telling them something didn't happen, it's like telling someone they're not actually human. Imagine the impact it'd have on you if you'd been told you weren't who you were, that you were actually from some place else, say you woke up in some strange place looking entirely different not knowing where you were, and then having them tell you you were someone entirely different from what you could remember. Imagine being told by everyone that your entire life didn't exist, that the person you say you were never existed on paper, that the incidents never happened, that you were a lie. Christ, can you imagine? It's like something out of a movie---except only in the movies could I possibly live with being told that all I'd come to believe and accept was all a lie. This is going to sound harsh and strange as hell---but if someone, after a year of having accepted something, told me it never happened, that it was a lie...

I wouldn't believe it. If someone had told me that my mother was alive under those circumstances after I'd believed her dead for so long, I wouldn't have believed it. Even if I'd seen her, or heard her, I wouldn't have. After believing something and accepting it as reality I couldn't believe otherwise, to me she'd still be dead.

I don't know how you do it SOT, or how you've even by some chance come to accept it. That's just amazing to me, that fact that you can even acknowledge that your mother's still alive...goddamn, that's amazing.

You hang in there SOT, damn the fact that you can even post this and acknowledge that amazes me to the point that I could say so ten thousand times and still it wouldn't be enough. Christ...you do what you can, SOT. And if you want anyone to talk to, or even just to rant at feel free to PM me up or contact me on a messenger or something. Seriously though, hit me up if you want to rant about shit man, I know I'd want something of that sort.

SOT · Jan 08, 2006, 12:10 PM // 12:10

Thanks pie.

I learned long ago that ranting leads to novels. heh.

I'm...sifting through the detritus....

LeftAlone- · Jan 08, 2006, 12:26 PM // 12:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by SOT

None of you realize what happened. They LIED to me. She isnt RED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GORED ENGINE GOing dead. It was a lie.

I realised that. :/

SOT · Jan 08, 2006, 12:28 PM // 12:28

Times like these make me thankful I can login to wow and murder dwarves.

LeftAlone- · Jan 08, 2006, 12:35 PM // 12:35

lol.. :/
I just finished reading the first book from Legend of Drizzt, Homeland -by R.A. Salvatore..
They cut the hands of that poor little gnome..
Drizzt actually saved him becaus otherwise he would of been killed.. Awww.. They become friends later on when they meet again.. so I've heard..

Naprius · Jan 10, 2006, 09:35 AM // 09:35

holy shit...

people actually do that???

maybe it is better if the world gets hit by a meteor

thats really sick.

i would kick their heads in
GEEZ!

Shimus DarkRaven · Jan 10, 2006, 04:12 PM // 16:12

Phone call, 3p.m. at night
something told me someone was not alright;
the car had crashed, the family died
I sat up the rest of the night, and cried.

I'm not one to cry, or to shed tears
But when you've spent the last years
Getting to know the family, to loving
only brings tears and bad times like crying

To find this was just a joke, horribly awry
I wanted to seek and destroy this guy
to rip away anything he held dear, to leave him in the rain
Maybe I'll finally find him, next year..to make him feel such pain.

But anyways, You get the gist. Some of us have been through it time and again

My feelings are with you, SOT man. Keep on chugging along.

--The Shim

SOT · Jan 10, 2006, 04:37 PM // 16:37

Thanks shim :-)